An Old Letter to Myself...

apparently, i still have a working laptop (two, actually, if you use the term "working" somehow loosely) at my parents' house. tonight, i turned them both on to determine how well they work... one uses a single quotation mark in place of about 1/4 of the keys; the other (which i'm typing on right now) doesn't get too thrilled about the whole concept of turning on. i'll keep playing around with them for the next few weeks to see how much i'm willing to trust this one or fix that other one.
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but anyway, while testing the keyboards and scrolling through random files (andy griffith clips were apparently an essential part of VBS curriculum one year... ?), i found a file titled "a letter to myself." given that it wasn't dated in the file name, it had to be somehow old; the file itself confirmed: january 2008. i'm not sure why i decided to write it, but it's addressed to myself "the night before i started college." it was good to read back through it, both to remind myself what i was feeling in anticipation of college and to reflect on how much the past five years have changed me. and, to be honest, some of the advice i would have given myself five years ago is still relevant right now.
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in case you're interested, i thought i'd share some of it...
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Kristina Beth,
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Tomorrow’s the big day. You’re totally stressed right now, trying not to forget anything and to figure out some way to deal with all the goodbyes. You won’t admit it to yourself, but I remember how incredibly worried you were. It will be okay. As of tomorrow, you’ll have a job. You don’t know what to think of your roommates yet, but that will work out too. I wish I could tell you to stop stressing; anything you forget to pack wasn’t necessary anyhow. But, I know that’s just who you are. So, let me just say, it will all be okay.
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First semester will be tough. You’re going to meet A LOT of new people. Well, considering that you don’t currently know anyone at Messiah, everyone you meet will be new. Believe it or not, you’ll meet some of your very best friends tomorrow. Many of the others you’ll meet during the first week of classes. These people will stick with you and be your friends for a very long time. I know you have trust issues and find it hard to make new friends, but be patient and work at it.
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Starting next week, much of what you believe about the world, faith, and life will be challenged. At first, it will seem incredibly overwhelming. But soon, you’ll be so glad for the challenges and questions your classes and conversations will raise. Doubt is not the antithesis of faith; questions are often more honest than simple answers. Don’t be afraid to change your mind; in fact, you’d do well to loosen your hold on most of your “absolutes” right now. If it comes down to it, choose to be friends with those who are different than you sooner than with those who are exactly the same. Your faith and beliefs will be a journey of discovery; someday, you’ll look back and see how it all fit together.
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You’ve never been out of the country yet, but in a few years, you’ll want nothing more than live and work abroad. You love chemistry… don’t deny that part of yourself. Take some psych classes for fun as well. You’ll discover a new part of your identity. Hebrew will be a struggle, but you’ll love it. Make room for classes with Baker, Brubacher, Jantzi, Brensinger, and McDermond. Don’t be afraid of new challenges; you are far more capable than you believe yourself to be.
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Start journaling soon. More than anything else, it will help you process all those overwhelming thoughts and feelings. It may be tempting, but don’t just write when you’re feeling down (and don’t just write about a guy). Years from now, you’ll cherish these journals—and the letters you’ll tuck into them. A few years from now, life will seem pretty confusing… looking back on your old journals and thoughts will help you see where you’ve come from.
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You’re learning not to avoid feelings and emotions, but they still get pretty overwhelming at times. Keep processing them. Give yourself space and time to deal with it. The Swinging Bridge is a great place to think, cry, yell at God and the world, or simply to watch the water swirl past. You can do all of that in journal as well. You’ll soon realize that you think and process best when you’re writing. Use that.
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Don’t be afraid to open up to others, either, though. I know you’re scared of getting hurt or abandoned again. It will affect your relationships more than you can imagine, but slowly, you are beginning to heal. The next couple years will still be a fight against depression, but always have faith that the sun will shine and the moon will rise again. It’s okay to cry and to be angry. You don’t always have to be strong; people won’t stop loving you when you’re weak. Once you allow yourself to lean on others for support, you’ll realize that it actually makes you stronger in the long run. These next few years won’t be entirely wonderful, but there will certainly be many bright times. Learn to value the community around you—relationships are more important than you think.
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Don’t get too caught up in trying to figure out exactly what you’re supposed to do with your life. You still won’t know when you graduate, and you’ll change your mind numerous times between now and then. I know it’s really important to you right now to figure out “God’s call” for your life, but please don’t deny your heart and passions in the process. Do what you love, and it will work out.
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Jordan 3rd will soon be your favorite place to hang out. Keep trying new foods… you’ll like most of them. You’ll be known for your bright colors, but don’t hide the serene and serious side of yourself. Studying is important, but make time to watch movies, play games, and just hang out with your friends. Figure out a schedule that involves plenty of sleep, exercise, and proper eating… these next couple years will be a lot less stressful if you can manage your time now. And, learn to love yourself. You are beautiful and intelligent.
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Tina Beth, a few years down the road,
January 2008.